December 31st, 2008

♥ gg; chuck loves it when you talk dirty



That's a number I thought I'd never see again on the scale, and it's depressing. I'd gotten down to 175 at one point in my life, and felt great. Then, my priorities shifted and I didn't put myself first - my LONG-TERM self first, that is.

I moved 2.5 times in 2.5 years, started two (now three) jobs, and it was easier and more convenient to do take out or eat out with friends than cook for one. Most recipes make enough for four, which is great if you're living with someone and you each can take the leftovers to work for lunches. When you're single, one recipe means lunch for a week - frustrating.

There's also the fact that I'm an emotional eater - when I'm stressed, I eat; when I'm sad, I eat; when I'm angry, I eat. Ice cream and cookies are very sympathetic listeners. They make you feel good in the short term. Long term, not so much, and the problems don't actually go away - they keep coming back and I keep soothing them with what's made me happy in the past - starches, sugar, you know the drill.

Let us not forget that the extra pounds also means less attention. I know the people interested in me are interested for who I am, not for how pretty or thin I am [this goes for friends too]. It's also a good scapegoat for why people don't want to hang around me - it's the fat, not me. It couldn't POSSIBLY be me, right?

It's also pretty obvious that exercise and I are vague acquaintances at best (although I'm working on changing that), and the idea of an "active lifestyle" is someone else's life. I enjoy sitting in front of my computer with my little invisible internet friends (hi there!). I don't have a webcam so you can't see the state I'm in, or if I'm busy eating a pound of pasta or a chocolate orange. You are words on a screen, or a person on a phone (not to diminish your friendship at all!) - I do not have to go out and face the music in person.

The other day I realized that this, in a word, sucks. I do not like being the last one in line in a hike, I don't like not being invited to join sports teams, and I don't like being too embarrassed to join them if I AM asked!

It helps somewhat that I am not the only one in this position - I just picked up Oprah's magazine, and she expresses the same sentiments. She has not put herself on the priority list, and she suffered, so the magazine is all about getting back on track, and it has a lot of good ideas.

But I hate calling this a "new years resolution" because that basically is a license to break it. Let's call it more of a life long goal: to put myself, and my health on the priority list.

To wit, the plan is:
  • Meet weekly with my life coach to keep short term goals updated and keep accountable for this long term plan [which include exercising]

  • Watch the Oprah shows next week [convenient that I won't be starting my new job until at least the 12th]

  • Make a commitment to go to OA meetings at least once a week [I still have trouble calling myself a "compulsive overeater", or that I have a disease, but the principles are sound and if anything, it's teaching me to listen without interrupting someone...]

  • Follow the nutrisystem plan [very convenient for single people who don't really like to/have the time to cook]

  • Journal weekly about progress/problems/concerns and quit trying to hide the fact that OMG I am NOT PERFECT [go figure]

Here's to a more fit rest of my life!